Thursday, January 7, 2010

that which is broken

i used to believe in love. i used to seek it in all things, and yearn for it to be returned to me. a mild obsession would be declared the moment someone caught my fancy. that obsession, like lukewarm water set to simmer on a stovetop quickly would roar into a raging boil. logic went out the window, and all i could think about is "what can i do to make you love me?"

this past year, i went through quite a few momentous changes in my life. i had my heart broken repeatedly, then torn out, and shredded and nullified. then i met someone who put a spark of hope back in my eye. it was very rare and unexpected for me to see that there was a possibility of happiness outside the realms of my dark secluded dungeon. for once, in a very long time, i found a will to live and to thrive. and as i struggled against the restraints of social pressures and accepted dysfunctional ideals... i managed to kill everything that i had every cared about in the past. (that's a good thing, by the way).

the thing about change is, in order for change to happen, a chain reaction is set off that affects all surrounding the subject. in the case of molecular change, when one atom leaves its existing bonds, a void is created that then must be filled and both sides restructure with completely different physical properties. sometimes the change in a molecular structure releases off quite a bit of energy (think in terms of the atomic bomb. THAT is a LOT of energy)...

so. i changed. and in the process, i disrupted many lives surrounding mine. i got to witness first hand, heartbreak as seen through the eyes of a neutral third party (me). and for once in my life i experience empathy.

the newfound ability for me to detach myself from the emotions that are unfolding in front of my eyes has shed a bit of light on certain situations that i never before understood. growing up, there were always boys that i'd like that would not return my affection. and i would do whatever i could to make them like me. i would try gifting things. i would try doing things for them. i would try to demonstrate knowledge and interest in the things that they were interested in.

i really missed the point.

you cannot make someone love you. love is not a commodity that can be bought or traded. love is not something you can own as a possession. love is not something you hold hostage, or blackmail someone by withholding. love is a sensitive butterfly that must be allowed to flutter around and land on as many flowers as the garden possesses. love needs room to grow, and freedom to dance. the moment you cage it and claim it as yours, it will die.

there are many jaded people in this world. i can see why now. i see all those broken bits that are struggling to "make do". i see the darkened lifeless stares that come from empty souls. i see the walls that each of us build up to protect ourselves from being hurt. i see the mirrors that reflect all of our own insecurities back to us and forever torment our fragile minds. and i see the spark of hope that comes with accepting that there is nothing out there for me.

in opening myself up and expecting to be hurt, mistreated, and betrayed... i have freed myself from all the things that prevented action in the past. and while i have lost all faith in humanity, i have hope that love will find me one day and surprise me with a kiss.